USA Release: August 2014
Steve Wilkos as Drax
Some smart-ass doing a racoon voice
Other famous people in shitty body paint I think I recognized
Of Smurfs and Star Wars
I actually paid five cents to see the SD version of this movie on Amazon; I applied some extra gift card money I had to the balance, so I really didn’t give a shit about it either way.
This is another Marvel cartoon about a guy named Peter who lives in outer space, thinks he’s funny, and dresses like 80’s Michael Jackson topped with the helmet from Rocketeer. He gets together with all these alien people to steal this giant ball bearing housing a purple light to save a generic earth-like planet from being evaporated.
I really had no fucking clue what was happening for most of this movie’s four-plus hour run-time. (I was also doing laundry and looking shit up on my phone, so that didn’t help.) It was confusing as fuck and I never read the source comic. If you say you’ve read it, you’re obviously lying, or you must have had a part in making this film.
The first five minutes were a rip-off of (I swear) an old X-Files episode: There’s this depressed kid listening to an old cassette-style Walkman in a dingy hospital. His dad mopes over to tell the kid his mom is dying and she wants to see him. That night, this boy’s mom, who looks slightly like a bald alien with weird eyes, gives him this ambiguous vision of a fantastical galaxy. On his lonesome way home, this space ship flies down, lights up, and almost blows him off his bike. Then, the movie seems to really start.
So, now this kid, Peter, is like 50 and lives in the galaxy of his mom’s vision — or, so I think. Maybe this adventure is all a fiction of his mind to deal with the grief of her passing, or something? Perhaps she’s a secret alien and she called her people to help guide the boy home in the dark? Anyway…
Peter introduces himself by literally doing a choreographed dance number on this hazardous “geyser planet” while punting the reptilian wildlife all over the place. Apparently, he’s trying to steal this priceless silver ball thing. Boy, I hope he doesn’t get caught with all this bullshitting around and animal abuse.
By the way, this treasure looks distractedly like the thermal detonator from Return of the Jedi. This prop really weirded me out — even the actors must have subconsciously known because they gripped it in the exact same way bounty hunter Leia did. Every time the camera gave it a frequent close up about a thousand times, fuck, I just felt like picking a scab.
What happens afterward is mostly a blur to me. I started to look up all the things in the movie that reminded me of other things I’ve seen or heard before. I researched the soundtrack which features some famous classic rock songs. Some bad guys try to take the thermal detonator from Peter. His Rocketeer foot jets save him.
Then, a long procession of unexplained technologies, alien surnames, historical exposition, and cartoons swirled together and exploded on-screen.
Around the time I went to empty the lint trap, the main bad guy who also wanted the thermal detonator was introduced. His name was Rohan — I think — and he had this huge dark hood…almost overall appearing just like the protagonist from the Darksiders game. He was in league with these two women: one was painted green, the other was painted blue (and she was bald).
Now, I was intrigued there might be a plot twist revealed later on. Maybe this blue woman was really Peter’s mom, and she was hypnotized by the “Darksiders” guy after Peter was taken on the ship with Mulder’s sister?
So, I floundered to activate the subtitles as there was a lot of space alien bullshit, assassinations, and grievances being discussed. But I tired of actually watching the movie only after about three minutes, seeing about a billion cartoons exploding again. So, I impatiently Googled my theory and discovered I was incorrect. Oh, well.
By the way, there are a lot of obviously painted people of every gaudy, contrasting color in this movie; and just like the thermal detonator and Peter’s Rocketeer helmet, it’s all sickening and distracting. At least in the first Star Wars movie they put almost all the rubber aliens in one room. In Guardians of the Galaxy, there’s some annoying, rainbow flea-dipped intergalactic Smurf parading for you every 10 seconds.
O.K., this movie is just pissing me off now. I happened to catch that the guardians were in this maximum security prison for like five hours, and they escaped through the majority efforts of a retarded, walking beanstalk and a GMO raccoon. Oh, the painted green Smurfette, who is complimentary annoying, is on the “good” side now. (Yeah, the movie’s poster probably spoiled that cute “twist.”)
They all want to help save the galaxy from the Darksiders guy, so they get on the Millennium Falcon rip-off, and the raccoon begins to add bigger weapons to it.
Next, all four or five of these freaks go to this inverted planet, which is actually Steven Hawking’s brain or some shit, to give the detonator to this Collector guy who is the only person who can keep it from exploding the universe. So, the Collector (who I swear looks like the Koopa Kid Ludwig from the Mario Games) opens it with some proprietary Martian vice grips. Ruining the whole plan (no joke), his Realdoll sex mannequin wants her “freedom,” so she touches this entrancing purple light inside the detonator and this blows the whole place up.
As I was about three hours and ten minutes in, I thought the credits were about to roll. The space police would find all their mangled — but salvageable — bodies in the smoldering debris to kick off next month’s sequel. Although to my surprise, this stupid shit continues, and now Peter uses his Rocketeer helmet to breathe life back into the green chick who we now discover is also half-robot. It’s still very surprising because they were both floating around in the dead of space, frozen and lifeless, for over five minutes.
Being a tad hungry, I then picked up some frozen, lifeless burritos at the gas station down the street, so I probably missed a few things.
When I got back, I saw the bad guy got a hold of the thermal detonator somehow. He rips out the purple light that was inside of it and attaches it to his favorite ax. Because, if you now have the power to destroy an entire planet just be touching its surface, melding it to a medieval yard tool which can be picked up by anyone is the best way to go.
I’m not entirely clear how it all ends, but I was able to catch some of the dialogue while cleaning up the remnants of one of the burst microwave burritos I nuked a little too long. Peter’s alien parents/abductors, who are actually a gullible fraternity of flamboyant space pirates, threaten to ground him for good this time. They want the thermal detonator and the purple power inside, too, but the guy from The Walking Dead loves Peter too much. Also, the Darksiders bad guy wants to exterminate the planet of space police because they gave his dad some crap a hundred years ago.
Near the end, the guardians, the pirates, and the flying space police force unite to stop the bad guy’s ship from landing on the space police home planet. For some reason in this awesome, technologically magic universe, the huge, advanced ship conveniently falls at about three miles per hour so everyone below has about a week to prepare. The bald blue chick and green chick also kick each other in the crotch for about 25 minutes.
Finally, the Darksiders bad guy walks out of his crash-landed ship on the planet’s surface and gives a victory speech to the police people about more incomprehensible alien history and unpaid parking tickets. So, instead of just killing everything with his ax in an instant, Peter successfully distracts him by doing the Moonwalk dance.
Then by some unknown method, Peter steals the purple jewel inside the ax! What the fuck! He’s probably mimicing the Collector’s Realdoll. Either way, that should blow everything sky-high, right? Nope. Peter’s face starts shredding off like Wolverine’s skin at the end of X-Men: The Last Stand, and the ensuing nuclear blast stabilizes because — get this: He has to “hold hands” with the other guardians, a strategy used by the fucking Care Bears, to contain the ultimate power! Unbelivable.
The planet was saved, to my discontent.
A few days later, the head police woman tells Peter he was able to survive the power of the blast before being disintegrated because his DAD — not his mom — was half-alien, and that makes Peter one-quarter alien. That doesn’t make ANY sense because his mom is the one who looks like an alien; and, she gave him the galactic vision of the future! The dad was just a stupid fuck for not driving his 12-year-old son home from the hospital at midnight, even when you know you are half-alien and you have space pirates actively looking for you!
Even though I acknowledge missing 60% of this movie, I still think it’s completely ridiculous and impossible to follow. I don’t give a shit about the comic book because it’s a newer comic, and all the new comic characters suck. In summary, Guardians of the Galaxy is an ostentatious, boisterous, convoluted cinematic swill which will surely be exceeded by its three sequels, two spin-offs, and 2019 reboot.