DO YOU WANT THE EFFECTS OF CAFFEINE WITHOUT THE CRASH?
DO YOU WANT TO GET HIGH-AS-FUCK WITHOUT BUYING AND USING ILLEGAL DRUGS?
It’s absolutely true! I was looking for a really healthy, natural alternative to coffee, energy drinks, and Diet Mountain Dew. You know, I was up to about 1200 mg of caffeine a day on that stuff. If you’re not familiar with the science behind legal stimulants, a 12-ounce drink with that concentration of caffeine would pretty much dissolve your esophagus on contact.
I did some typical lazy Internet research on reducing caffeine in your diet, and I found people talking about drinking more water, eating more legumes, and getting more exercise to sustain your energy levels. But fuck that — who wants to actually work toward a goal doing shit the hard way? Don’t we have enough of that in life?
I also found some people talking about consuming more chocolate. Hey, I’m all for that. You do get some of that “feel good” endorphin rush, but you also get A LOT of extra sugar and empty calories. You’d have to eat 20 chocolate candy bars a day to even begin to feel similar caffeine effects. I was a little disappointed in the chocolate alternative, but I began to discover, by digging though deeper posts and obscure websites, there are actually stronger versions of organic cocoa which have been more naturally processed.
That’s when I stumbled upon a few posts describing the beneficial properties of organic cocoa in its raw form. I thought, “Organic? Isn’t that for people who eat tree bark for desert and recycle their bath water?”
As I read more and more posts, I thankfully discovered I was wrong.
To summarize: There are people who eat dry, raw organic cocoa powder by the undiluted spoonful two times a day or more. Some of them mix this “super-food” into smoothies, milk, hot water, chili, soup, etc., while others sprinkle it on cereal or fruit. Whatever method used to get a “fix,” some experts warn not to do too much cocoa powder at first, and that you could have trouble sleeping or become addicted to it. I was like, “HOLY FUCK! This can’t be true!”
So, I took a chance and ordered a pound of this fabled variant of cocoa powder on Amazon; the brand I chose was from a company I never heard of (probably because it’s known by a different “street” name) called “TruVibe Organics.” It was actually quite cheap — only about 11 bucks — and it comes all the way from PERU. (And we know much more than guinea pigs come from Peru.) Hell, if I developed an addiction to this shit, I might be able to afford five kilos a month. If this cocoa powder is as good as they say, I probably wouldn’t be eating too much regular food anyhow, right?
My package arrived in reliable Prime fashion. The first thing I noticed is that TruVibe actually spells “cocoa” as “cacao” on the bag. You’re actually pretty crafty, TruVibe! The company probably used that little grammatical loophole just to get their goods through U.S. Customs.
Well, I wanted to be like all the cool chocolate eaters who mainline the powder, so I opened wide and closed my lips around a dry spoonful. I thought it would kind of “melt in your mouth” — you know, like a Hershey’s Kiss. BIG mistake. I would never, EVER recommend doing this, especially if you have a heart condition. Maybe my technique was unrefined, but I was almost asphyxiated by the ever-clumping cocoa particles which would not un-stick from my throat. I was coughing and sputtering brown powder over every kitchen surface. The clean-up took an hour.
OK, so this shit has both the texture and taste of equal parts flour and finely crushed aspirin — not the good stuff like Bayer, but the cheap CVS Pharmacy aspirin. Becoming a cocoa addict is actually more difficult than they suggested. Perhaps I should cut it with something.
Then I took the more traditional route by brewing a 24-ounce Thermos-full of natural hot cocoa. I stirred some boiling water into the Thermos along with four heaping spoonfuls or cocoa powder, three tablespoons of honey, and two Splenda packets. (That’s like six servings of cocoa, by the way.) Knowing this exquisite powder as a potential choking hazard, I tightened the Thermos lid and vigorously shook my concoction for about two minutes.
Ah, that should do it. I did a good job in cutting the chalky bitterness, but even as I sipped the stuff it seemed really strong…it’s almost like drinking a warm maduro cigar.
Soon, the weirdness started…
I began to notice a smoldering warmth welling up inside my core — though, it was not because of the cocoa’s temperature. With that warmth came an unexpected confidence and mental acuity I had only felt during my most alert moments like when flawlessly reciting multiplication tables, or while attempting a 279 score in Wii Bowling. The more I sipped, the more I slipped into a kind of waking-chocolate coma, but I was bounding with limitless energy.
First, I put on a shitty Netflix movie. Then, I started washing clothes while writing a couple of articles. The ideas and energy kept pouring in like a fresh spring rain. I even felt the need to clean the bathroom every time I passed it or while I was in it. The whole experience was scary and amazing, and I couldn’t stop myself from doing tons of shit.
The result of my first experience with organic raw cocoa powder was a near-sleepless night…I think. I was so jacked up beyond belief I was lying in bed completely aware of myself and my thoughts, conscious yet unconscious. It was the fucking weirdest thing. My body was completely tired and worn out, motionless and sleeping, but my mind was in some other reality outside myself watching my dreams.
Is this what the ancient Peruvians felt like when they induced a spiritual experience with chocolate? Is this why all the major corporations grow their cocoa beans painted with pesticides, and then over-process their crops for consumption? I guess there is a lot more of something inside the TruVibe cocoa powder called “theobromine,” a chemical which makes you pee, and transforms you into sweaty workaholic narcissist. Every bean is stocked to the brim with a lot of healthy super-metals and tropical nutrients.
Definitely NO MORE cocoa powder before bed! But it’s fun any other time, especially when a two-mile walk becomes a five-mile walk. Nowadays, I keep the dose to the recommended serving size so I don’t piss off the neighbors, or my wife who threatened a divorce over my hot cocoa experiences.
Also, you should know my new favorite drink has done nothing to curb my caffeine addiction. If you mix additional caffeine with cocoa powder, not only will you have a nocturnal out-of-body experience, but your aorta might explode if your soul drifts back into your body too soon.
I do not recommend doing ANY of this shit as I don’t want anyone to die. Just add a sprinkle of cocoa powder to your puffed rice once a week so you get a decent value of theobromine and healthy metals.
There are a few people I was reading about who said the feeling they got from the cocoa powder kind of reminded them of their cocaine experiences. I’m surprised they’re still alive, and that they’ve learned to substitute that kind of hardcore addiction for plain chocolate. That makes me feel weak that I can’t do anything about the caffeine.
I would suggest giving a kilo of raw organic cocoa powder a try and see where it takes you. If it helps you kick something, then that’s awesome. But if you ever find me at the center of the universe with my head exploding into a swirling tie-dye mandala, you know how I got there.