A Valentine’s Day-saster: Good Lingerie Is Hard to Find

Don’t worry, you can keep reading. This post is staying PG-13.

After almost seven years of marriage, you want to diversify your memories and do something other than the typical Target greeting card exchange and after-work dinner date. I think they call that the “seven year itch”? Or, maybe that has to do with how long it takes for polyester-blend underwear to degrade and start causing chaffing issues.

So, a week before Valentine’s Day 2016, I said to my wife: “I know! This year, how about we still go out to eat at Chili’s, but we also buy some sexy lingerie?” She was quite surprised that I asked and thought it would be “fun.” Even if she said “no,” I still would have scored some man-points.  Although, I was a little scared I would expose my complete ignorance on the whole female clothing/undergarment subject.

christmas story old man leg
Ling-ERIE! It must be Italian!”

So, we started our search online. Like I was saying, I’m so removed from the women’s apparel world, I couldn’t even type “lingerie” in Google anywhere near accurate. I even got a few obscure Italian and Tuscan recipes in my search results after making some gross misspellings. As I input each supposed letter, I was slowly sounding out ling-ERIE like Ralphie’s old man saying frag-ILE from the classic movie: A Christmas Story. But it worked — we finally netted a few notable pages.

We first clicked on Fredrick’s of Hollywood, and they had a really nice website, but they didn’t have ANY of the necessary bra sizes in stock. Everything was too small and dainty at Victoria’s Secret. Macy’s had lingerie styles and colors fit for a 1960’s mom living in Utah. There were other websites, but no matter which one we looked at, they either had limited-to-no sizing information, or there were so many tables and graphs for seven different countries, and for almost every lingerie style and piece imaginable, I swear I would have had an easier time deciphering ancient Babylonian astronomical charts.

lingerie size chart
This is a high-level view of one website’s  actual lingerie sizing diagram.

Even though we weren’t finding anything worth purchasing, we were having fun —and I was learning a lot. Like, there are big differences between sleepwear, teddies, babydolls, and camisoles. There are open, closed-top, and wire-framed braziers. You also have to make sure that if you buy a lingerie set, the “top” size (in both cup and band) should fit your “bottom” size.

And that’s when I was shocked to learn that true discrimination exists for women gifted with sizable busts: Almost every one-piece lingerie or lingerie set is not sold by cup size, even from major retailers! So, the entire “one-size” outfit can fit a very narrow set of women, but if you are a D-cup or higher, you have almost no options. Well, that is unless you want to wear larger and looser panties. Then, the whole thing is useless, whether it’s sexy lingerie or just regular sleepwear.

So, my wife and I thought we might have some better luck at the local Victoria’s Secret store. They had a huge selection to browse, but their sultry space was packed with so many adults, teens, and young kids, our visit became awkward and uncomfortable within five minutes. We bought a couple items (which I begrudgingly approved of), but I was most impressed with the fashionable black and pink Victoria’s Secret bag they gave us. Nothing says, “Hey, we just bought some sexy underwear, everyone!” when you’re walking through a busy mall the week of Valentine’s Day with this cute little lingerie carrier.

red, pink, and white bras

It was funny, as well, for a store associate to display a black, frilly underwear-job with a bow and casually ask what “I” think in front of my wife and about 25 random people. How do you answer that? So, I just gave them a trite, “Yes, that’s fine,” and my wife responded with, “Well, you don’t seem like you really like it!”

Sure, how about I bulge my eyes out of my head like a cartoon, pant heavily, and howl like a dog? Would that suffice? Obviously, there should be an unspoken rule — or even code words — for these situations to maintain some level of public decency.

jim carey mask dog gif

So, back online we went. And there was one major outlet left: the popular Adam & Eve Adult Store — you know, the other “apple” company. Before we tried any other brick and mortar locations, we thought it would be worth a try — that is, if we could wade through their vast assortment of “toys,” movies, oils, and leather goods.

adam and eve website

And what do you know? Adam & Eve did have quite the selection of lingerie styles, sizes, and colors, and the sizing information was very easy to find and decipher! I popped something in my cart, and they told me if I supplied my email address, I would get something like 30% off my order! Wow! Always looking for a good deal, I gladly relinquished my information. My wife and I still weren’t completely sure this was the best choice, so I didn’t buy anything…Instead, I just saved my cart contents for later.

bikini-447502_1280.png

Now, I knew I was going to start getting “reminder” emails from Adam & Eve; I also expected I would be sent other related offers, but I could ignore those. I just didn’t comprehend how much they would be sending and for what products!

To be completely fair and honest about this next section, Adam & Eve did nothing wrong; I know I could unsubscribe at anytime and I have no doubt they would respect my wishes. They have a clear, detailed marketing policy and I don’t want to discount their high customer satisfaction levels. 

I just got a huge kick out of seeing all they were sending me. If anything, I really respect their unwavering persistence for my business.

So, here are all the emails Adam & Eve sent me since I saved my shopping cart on their website. In case you don’t want to count everything, THAT’S 14 EMAILS IN 22 DAYS! I’ve never received so many emails from one company in such a short time.

adam and eve inbox

I find some of the subject lines hilariously corny; of course, some are also a bit raunchy. Nothing I can’t handle, though. Most of the actual email content is unintentionally funny and full of outrageous deals.

The Adam & Eve emails begin innocently enough, and then they seem to “evolve,” getting more extreme and excessive over time. For example, take a gander at the first one I got.

 

adam and even ffirst email


Afterwards, I get this somewhat-personal message from Adam & Eve’s Promotions Manager. Maybe I’ll respond to some more “text” instead of all these big pictures and bullet points. Yes, appeal to my logical side.


 

Adam and Eve Letter


That sounded like a really good promotion straight from the manager. Hmmm…33% off my ENTIRE order is hard to beat, but I think I’ll just wait some more.

Then,  I just about split a stitch when I saw this insane email come in!

vibe-a-palooza ad adam and eve

Did you say VIBE-A-PALOOZA? Ha!

I laugh because I always thought a “palooza” was more of a big multi-day outdoor event like Lollapalooza, Cheese-A-Palooza, June-A- Palooza, etc. I got the sense that Adam & Eve was alluding to the idea that they wanted to get the unwashed masses together in an abandoned soybean field and deliver them free “vibes” via their silly pink panel truck. Why else would they call the promotion “freaky”?

Adam & Eve was giving me progressively crazier deals that I can’t even show here. One offer states they’ll give me a whopping 45 adult movies just for making a small order. In addition, I would get some other “freebies” and I can take 50% off one item! How can they possibly afford to stay in business? Surely Adam & Eve can’t be some underground philanthropic organization, donating free vibrators, triple-X movies, and scented lotions to the poor and disheveled, yet sexually frustrated, among us.

Anyway,  I think I’ve had enough of Adam & Eve’s almost-daily solicitation, even if it was good for a laugh. It was time to unsubscribe after I got this email.

claim your free dong adam and eve

Of course, I cannot show “Mr. Softee” here, and I’m sure he works great, but I’m going to have to go ahead and pass on this one again.

I guess Adam & Eve doesn’t realize everyone isn’t a raging tri-sexual who’s looking for someone to airmail a box of free toys and videos to their front door every week. I’m just a normal, sedentary, approaching-middle-age married male. People in this house have trouble deciding what’s worth more effort tonight: making another frozen pizza or ordering Chinese delivery. Doing something — anything — outside together is an achievement befitting the Louis & Clark Expedition.

Well, that’s about it for my Valentine’s Day/lingerie story here, but as always life continues for Hamster Patrol. We never found a really good place online or offline for quality lingerie with decent sizing availability. The best place I could recommend at this point is adoreme.com. They have options for mix-and-match sizing for tops and bottoms. So, you can purchase complete matching-color sets that won’t make you look frumpy.

Have fun, stay safe out there, and as Stephen Stills said, “Love the one you’re with.” Maybe next Valentine’s Day will go better.

heart hands with sun

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